This subject will be very personal to me, but I need to get it out there because it is heavily weighing on me. I’m not sure if I mentioned how I was diagnosed with an eating disorder by my therapist. Orthorexia, she said. Orthorexia is not a commonly known eating disorder, but it is just as bad as any. I get so caught up in what is healthy and unhealthy to point that I will refuse to eat foods I need or fast when I’m hungry or exercise to compensate for calories. On top of that, I’ve suffered from slight anorexia, which is still anorexia no matter how little the case.
I was in denial for awhile with this new revolution, disagreeing with my therapist and friends, believing I just liked being healthy, and there was nothing wrong with my eating habits. I tried showing myself I had a problem by analyzing myself, saying or writing about how I was suffering. But it’s almost like an ashiest trying to believe in God. It was me looking in the mirror and seeing an unfit body… an ugly body.
One night in early November I broke down and cried. I cried because I finally felt that I was truly suffering. I hated my reflection. I hated my body. I hated food. And with my wedding approaching…the knot that will bind Daniel and me together…I didn’t want to struggle with food any longer. I want Daniel to marry someone he can rely on, not someone who is scared to face her problems. I called a nutritionist.
She taught me about intuitive eating, something I had heard about, thought was interesting, but not for me; I would eat only sweets if I let myself eat whatever I want. When my nutritionist preached about intuitive eating, though, I became very interested. I got into it. I read books. I listened to podcasts. And I was enjoying food! But the mindset faded…especially when I stepped on the scale. I had gained 10 pounds in almost 2 months.
And I broke down. How can it be healthy to be like that? I’ve always been told gaining or losing weight that quickly was not healthy, but my nutritionist encouraged this madness. I couldn’t fit into most of my pants anymore… this was hell. And worst of all….would I even fit in my wedding dress anymore? If I keep this up I will definitely not fit in my wedding dress by May. And everyone will see that I’ve gained so much weight before my wedding. It’s supposed to be the other way around. I would be so embarrassed.
My psychologist called me soon after that for her normal 3 month check in (for my OCD) to see how my medication was going. I explained the stress of all this to her, and how at my last session my nutritionist said I have body dysmorphia. The psychologist became very concerned. She upped my anxiety medication and recommended I see a therapist that specializes with OCD and eating disorders. She said she would find someone for me and give me a call. I haven’t heard from her. I need to call her.
I began working out a lot. HIIT workouts with yoga and some Just Dance at least three times a week. My Matron of Honor and I decided to cut processed sugars. Daniel naturally became concerned. I tell him not to worry, it’s temporary until the wedding is over. He has every right to be concerned…But I want to fit in my damn wedding dress. Can’t I worry about my health after walking down an aisle of 40+ people staring at me? I hate being the center of attention, and this is literally going to burn my cheeks red for a whole day.
I know the day is about Daniel and me, and that is all I should be focused on…but my mind cannot shut it off. Why can’t it shut it off? Why am I so afraid of people judging my weight?
I want to feel beautiful on my wedding day…and I can’t be expected to change my beauty standards for myself in a few months.
Before I go, I want to make it known that I find everyone to be beautiful no matter their shape or size, it’s their personality that makes them or breaks them. I don’t think fat is ugly. I think fat on me is ugly. I want to be tiny so no one will notice me. I like to hide. I’m a very timid rabbit.