The Big 5

My baby is turning 5 years old tomorrow!

Isla Rose at 3 months

She’s still so young, but it is so amazing to me that 5 years has gone. I wouldn’t say fast, that seems too cliche. Plus, those toddler years were not quick at all, but they were quick enough. I’m honestly not looking forward to the days where we begin to grow apart. For instance, when she wants to go be with her friends or be with a crush more than family.

When I think about that, I begin to think that maybe I don’t spend enough time with her now. I know that is quite irrational, I’m with her when I can, and not with her so she can grow. Which may sound weird to homeschooling or stay-at-home moms. She is always with family. And unlike me, she is so extroverted and LOVES being around the people she loves. I never have to worry about her being scarred and unable to be comforted by me. She is so confident.

Who would have known that that tiny baby girl in my arms in January 2015 would grow into this strong, confident, extroverted child.

A story of why I will no longer go to the OBGYN while on medicaid

Ok, yeah, this one gets kind of personal. But I feel the need to express my frustration with my OBGYN and my dislike for hormonal birth control.

First off, I would like to say that YOU are entitled to your body more than anyone else. YOU know your body more than anyone else. If ANYONE tries to tell you that they know what’s best for your body, you need to agree wholeheartedly.

My cycle is normally 25-27 days. Sometimes it might come in a day early, but those are usually my highly stressed-out months. Yes…I have never missed a period because of stress. Stress has ALWAYS made my period start early. And I can’t hate on it, because I always feel MUCH better after my period comes. It’s like my body knows that time-of-the-month chills me out or something. I don’t know the science, I only know how my body works.

Well, a few months back (March to be precise) my cycle did some very funny things. My period was a whole two weeks late!! The ONLY TIME my period has been late was when I got pregnant with Isla. I didn’t think there was any way I could be pregnant, but I took a test anyways. I took a lot of tests. And near my two week late mark, I got a positive. I freaked out in disbelief, but I suppose anything could be possible, but I was so certain I couldn’t be.

Mother was scared for me because I had surgery about a year ago from then for cervical cancer (it ended up being benign, thank GOD). She wanted me to get checked just in case something was wrong. I don’t know what can cause a positive on a test besides pregnancy, so I called my OBGYN. The one I have been going to for over 2 years now. Not by choice, but because they are the only ones in our city that takes good ol’ medicaid.

When she finally sees me, I explain how I got a positive pregnancy test (which I had taken a picture of and was ready to flash in their faces super fast if need be), how I had been super tired (taking naps -outa character for me), my breast had been a little sensitive, and nausea had been kicking my butt. Gosh, I felt pregnant.

“Well, our pregnancy test came back negative.”

Ok…………..and? Do you think I’m lying (I’m about to take this picture out!)?

That was all they said to me. They took some samples of me to test for infections (as per usual with check ups) and then we talked. I tell her I’m slightly freaked out because I’m not ready for another kid, and how there was no way I could even be pregnant, considering. All she says to me is that she can give me birth control. WTF?

[[Now, as a note, I would like to mention how I told her MANY times how I am very uninterested in birth control, especially the hormonal kind. I was on it for a majority of my teenage life and after I finally got of it, when I was 20, I started feeling a million times better than I ever had. Plus, I’m Catholic now, and it’s against my religious code. She told me about the non-hormonal copper IUD. I told her I wasn’t very interested because I had a friend who legit got pregnant with that, and I had heard a lot of horror stories about it connecting to the uterus wall, or something horrible like that, anyways.

But most importantly, I NEVER asked about birth control. I’m 26. I know about the process, and if I did get pregnant, I can 100% handle it. I did it once at 22, I can do it again. I’m older and wiser and have had legit practice. I only went in there for check ups. And never once did I mention my period being unpredictable (because it wasn’t).]]

She says “Well, you have irregular periods.” HUH? No, I don’t. “And being on birth control will help regulate your cycles.”

My legit response was, “My periods are pretty consistent and regular.”

She just shrugged at me.

In my head, I be like this —> Did I mention that I got a positive pregnancy test? Shouldn’t you be looking to make sure I’m not miscarrying or got cancer or hormone issues?

She goes on to preach about birth control in a condescending manor, as if I’m 15, and how it will really help with my irregular periods. Did she not even hear me say my periods are regular? This lady has been practically shoving BC down my throat for my last few visits. I was fired up, but being that I’m shy and don’t like to express my feelings, I just said sure. And she prescribed me a low dose of hormonal pills with a very satisfied look. I wonder if she gets commission for passing out BC prescriptions. Hmmm.

Ok. So I told Daniel about how the OBGYN said everything looked normal and fine and that I would begin these dang pills. Oh, and like 3 days later my period finally arrived and was HORRIBLE.

Eventually, I met with my general practitioner for an update on my anxiety. She knew about my cycle issue, and asked how that all went. I told her about the whole incident and how it left me feeling very defeated. She encouraged me to get off the pill and that she was shocked that the OBGYN pushed BC on me so heavily. I told her I would try and see if it worked out.

It’s now October. Wanna know how I feel on a low dosage of hormones?

I’ve been bloated for 2 months. This is the only negative symptom I have noticed. But there haven’t been any positive ones, except I don’t have to keep up with the calendar to know when aunt flow is coming. But being bloated is enough to make me hate it. I actually enjoyed my pants fitting.

Needless to say, I will be stopping my BC after this pack, and I refuse to go back to the OBGYN until I get on some good insurance.

Below are pictures of the home pregnancy test that came back positive.

This faint line appeared immediately
Here is the next day when I got a negative that next morning.

I Got My Break

I have been Isla free for almost 7 days. Granted, this mini mom vacay was brought in part by it being Nathan’s weekend and my wisdom tooth being pulled out and being doped up on pain pills for the two days Isla was supposed to be home with me.

The break has been nice. Two days of it were spent sleeping and some weird state of hungover/high that I was very fund of. Those pain pills made me feel so nauseous, but better nauseous than in pain, amma rite? Daniel spent those two day with me, taking care of me when I couldn’t function properly and giving me company where company was needed (And for me that is quite often from him. I enjoy his company, what can I say?).

On the fourth of July, we binged on Stranger Things 3. I could eat normal food by this point, so I had Daniel get me the best of the best from Taco Bell (which for me is the Gordita Crunch with chicken instead of beef and those nacho fries, omager yum!). It hurt a little to eat them, but you know what… WORTH IT!

Yesterday we created a Ghoul Gang to explore the old E.A. Conway Hospital that is supposedly haunted. Evidence was very slim, but we did make it out with a picture that is questionable. It’ll be the next discussion on the podcast, so if you wanna hear about that eperience, I suggest you look out for the podcast (which you follow the link at the top of tha page titled HWY16 Podcast) because we would love to have your ear!

Today is a chill day, and tomorrow is Mass and grocery shopping. Then mom life returns to normal again. Until school begins, anyways.

Working on Us – Week 5

Beckiesmentalmess blog has posted week 5 of “working on us”! I chose prompt 1.

Q1: If an eating disorder isn’t about food or weight, what is it all about? And, what has it done to you personally?

Well, I once knew a girl who had an eating disorder. She suffered from bulimia, but not in a way most of us imagine. Her eating disorder started when she was very young. Before grade school from what I was told. She was the skinniest of everyone in her family, who were all very average weights. The problem with this girl was that her stomach would not hold down food. No matter what she ate, she would vomit it back up. She had to take medicine for it. I don’t know exactly what caused this problem, whether it was trauma or something, but it was diagnosed as an eating disorder. To this day she is still very thin. I haven’t spoken to her since she was in grade school, but I’m sure it still affects her, as she is still skinnier than everyone else in her family and it appears borderline unhealthy. From this, I can guess that it can sometimes be illness or even trauma related.

For me personally, I suffered from body dysmorphia, causing me to be somewhere between bulimic and anorexic. I would often times fast a whole day to make up for overeating the day before (when I didn’t actually overeat). I practically worshiped the scale. I saw myself as much bigger than I was. Even at my smallest. As many times as I was told I had a problem, I never listened. I assumed everyone was like me when it came to being weight conscious. It wasn’t until I started my anxiety medication for my OCD that I began being comfortable with my body image. It still feels weird to look in a mirror and see myself just right. My body had depressed me for years. I would work out, eat little, eat only certain “healthy foods”. I feel much more free now.

Q2: What is the most difficult thing to handle with your disorder?

The most difficult thing to handle from my OCD are intrusive thoughts, hands down!

Wisdom Teeth

The true wisdom comes from who keeps them and who doesn’t.

To keep them is foolish.

At least that’s what the dentists say.

I had a theory that the wisdom teeth were for when your back molars get cavities and rot out or pulled out, whatever…you get the point, they’re gone. Anyways, the wisdom teeth replace those teeth.

IDK. I don’t know much about dental stuff. Any thoughts? Anyone know anything?

Mommies Need Breaks Too

Tonight is one of my good friend’s birthday party. Yet for me, it’s another weekend of being trapped in my house, hoping that maybe I can find a babysitter from 8pm – at least 10pm. This is not only hard to find, but it’s hard for me… Bedtime is at 8pm. Having to take Isla to another place at bedtime is going to throw off the routine. Is throwing off her routine for a night worth going out?

I’m certain I’m not the only mommy who experiences this feeling. Kidless friends may think that going out is as simple as finding someone to watch your child for a couple of hours so you can have fun “Moms need breaks too!”, but they don’t know the mommy guilt that will eat you alive while you’re out having fun while your kid’s routine is now skewed. And how will you bounce back? Skip nap time the next day? But that is bad for growth. Have them sleep most of the day? They would feel so energized and wild with the lack of play. Wake them up early? They would be so cranky and that gives everyone a bad time.

But always telling your friends you can’t go out because you don’t have a babysitter starts looking like an excuse. Soon people just stop asking you to hang out. They become resentful. If only they knew how much of a toll every decision takes on a mom. Losing friends vs raising a healthy child who can depend on you… It’s not even a question.

How do you know when mom guilt becomes irrational? I never feel like I’m being irrational. But I do crave breaks! And I get breaks, only to feel weird and guilty for craving so many breaks! OH, MOM GUILT; an endless paradox!

Yet, I love being a mom.

And who really wants to argue that someone who wants to be with their baby more than go out “needs a break”? They should be proud of their friend for being an awesome mom! It’s a hard job, after all.

Going out should be on the mom’s time. When it’s convenient for their family, not when it’s convenient for friends or anyone else. And Those breaks….they’re guilt free and the best! And bless the friends who understand and come over to hang out with their friend mom and their children.

I guess what I’m saying is that mommies do need breaks, but they need breaks that are free of guilt. Let your friend mom decide when a break is best for them. And if you’re available to come along, go! It will make them so happy!

Working on Us – Mental Health Prompt

I’m doing another one of BeckiesMentalMessWorking on Us” prompt!

I’ve decided to go with prompt #1 and answer a couple of questions.

How do you deal with the stigma surrounding your mental disorder/illness? If so, in what way?

The stigma around OCD is usually being a neat freak or germaphobe. But this is simply not the only way OCD affects those with the disorder. Usually when I do a compulsion, I get the “Mikayla are you OCD?” and I will laugh and say yes. Some people will laugh and think I’m just being funny…which seems to be another thing that comes about with OCD. I simply explain to them that I actually do have OCD and that it’s a real problem that causes a ton of anxiety. I usually like to explain how there are inward compulsions and outward compulsions if people are genially interested in understanding the disorder. I’m not a neat freak, mine is more inward, but things being out of a certain order will cause me panic… most everything about these things are because I feel like I will go crazy if I don’t check, fix, or avoid certain things. Which is unfortunately pretty counter productive. People are usually very understanding of it and will start to add it to my personality, which I really like. I don’t mind being teased for my OCD. It makes me feel better about having it…or being that way. Even though a bad episode will give me severe panic attacks.

I won’t scrutinize people for being uneducated about OCD. I don’t share the darker parts. I have a problem with letting people know how much I really am suffering. I feel like OCD makes me very weak, and if people knew how much it really hurts me I will be treated differently. I leave the heavier bits for my closer circle, like Daniel and my mom. I just want to be normal. So if people want to make light of it…that’s fine by me.

Does the stigma associated with mental health bother you? If so, in what way?

I’m not too bothered by the stigmas out there. One thing that does kinda bother me is that sometimes people think mental illnesses cause limitations for everyone else. Like in a classroom.

Diary Entry: Bridget and I Went to Crossett for Research for HWY16

Every town has it’s myths, and Crossett, AR has a big one. The Crossett light is an alluring willow of the wisp that appears down an old dirt road in Ashley County Arkansas, causing light traffic to kick up dust in hopes of seeing the ghost light.

Bridget and I decided to head that way and discover all that we could about the ghost light that we have both personally seen.

Our first destination was the Crossett Library, where we found history to begin our search on understanding the mysterious light a little more.

According to the book Tent City: A History of Crossett Arkansas by John W. Buckner, this light is a romantic device to hurry along the long search to find one’s soulmate. It all began with Rose Marie and David (last names unknown) who fell in love and moved into a house beside the old railroad tracks. This railroad was apparently a huge part of their romance, because David quit his great job at the mill to work for the railroad.

Because his house was right off the tracks, he would just jump off the caboose and greet his wife, who, no matter what time or weather, would be waiting for him to jump off the train. Well, one late night, the train was incredibly late and David dropped his lantern and had to jump off blind. He lost his footing and boom, head gone, right in front of Rose Marie.

She screamed and ran to his headless body and held him until people showed up. No one could find his head. The funeral was the next day. He was buried in Unity Cemetery. As for Rose Marie, she began searching non stop for his head. Some say it was carried off by a wolf.

In another History of Crossett book by the same author, he tells us how students from Yale University studied the light, but their study came up inconclusive. Some say it was gas from a swamp nearby. Others claim aliens and their UFOs are to blame.

So, we have no last names, but some googling found the name Lochalas. But death records showed no Rose Marie or David Lochalas. So we went to Unity Cemetery to see for ourselves.

At the cemetery we ran into a guy who claimed he lived close to the light and had seen many weird things. This guy told us some crazy stories about camping near the light. He knew the cemetery and said that he didn’t think he could help, but if we find a legit last name then he will look on the list for us. I guess he’s the keeper. He did say the Lochalas family is all up in this place.

Needless to say, we found no evidence of this couple. But, the cemetery was established by the second oldest church in Crossett, thus, many graves are unreadable and some are only marked by stakes or rubble.

From there we made our way to where the light shows up. Only we did so in the daylight. We flew a drone over the area where the house….some house….station? The location is the old Bouvine Station or something. I’m not to sure. The fact that the light has changed locations has made it difficult to know what is so significant about this area.

We found nothing special. No swamps. No crop circles or anything alien suspicious. Just a bunch of woods and overgrown brush.

HWY16 Podcast – Mikayla and Tyler and kinda sorta Bridget explore the Crossett Light